This is soo funny- I had a friend of mine send it to me...I hope someone gets help from this :)

FEMALE LANGUAGE

Fine: - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes: - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead: - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay: - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do: - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot: - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

This entry, and plenty of other funny ones, can be found here: http://bussorah.blogspot.com/2007_02_01_archive.html

Not much going on except for work the past couple days...was talking to this one guy yesterday who came back in today and apparently nothing I'd said to him had stuck, because here he was, back again, wanting to pay me 500 to take me out to dinner and spend two hours with him at his hotel.  I'd already told him no politely both days when I thought of something that I would think the most commonsense of people would understand- I told him that, if, as he said, I had the possibility of making that much at work, which is why he wanted to pay me that amount, then logically, why wouldn't I rather choose the option to where there's no chance of me getting in trouble?  Didn't work, though, so I just mentally sighed and walked away...I just don't get it, though.  What part of "no" is so hard for people to get?  I try and say it politely and concisely, but I guess it just doesn't get past the blood loss to the brain.  But, on the good side, I found a couple of really cute tank tops for $10, which was cool....I even found copies of them online, so here's what they look like:

Nothing really going on right now other than work, though I did get a nice little outfit at Busch Gardens this weekend.  So, to keep things funny, I'm going to post some of the lolcatz photos I found online...they can be found all over the place...all you have to do is google/yahoo "lolcat" to find them.  Here's some of the ones I found so far:

Found this thread on stripperweb, and had to post the ones that I, at least, have done at one point or another...either that or the ones that are just soooo funny! Oh, and for the record, for those who may not know already, I don't have the typical real name/stage name problems- it's just soo much easier just to be Christy 24/7, ya know?

You Know You're a Stripper When...

• You are in a public place, and a guy calls out your stage name, as you start to respond you realize he's not even talking to you.


• You buy baby wipes in bulk, and you dont have any kids.


• You have to touch up your nail polish on your toes every 1-2 days b/c it chips from being on stage.


• when you go out with 'regular' friends and feel the need to censor yourself on the dancefloor.


• your body creaks more than your grandmother's.


• your selection of costumes, high heels and makeup competes with that of a drag queen.


• When a cute guy tries the pickup line " don't I know you?" and you immediately think he must be a customer.


• you think nothing of buying something for fifty dollars and paying for it all in ones


• You don't take offense to hearing "nice tits"


• You have to "think" when you introduce yourself


• You have to make an effort to remember to move the top half of your body when you go out dancing


• your friends all come to you when the need to borrow some sparkly accesory like rhinestone bracelets, chokers, necklaces, etc.


• you have mini versions of every regular sized product in the world in ur purse at any given moment


• When you can tell the difference between a friend who comes to the club or a customer by how they treat you when they run into you in public. A friend will let you decide if the people around you would be cool with you saying hello.


• When you have plenty of dollar bills but not a single quarter to make a call with.


• When a man with manners can make your night a little better (sometimes a LOT better)


• When a man who brings chocolate to the club can become one of your best friends (and all of you KNOW what I mean here)!


• when you spend more on beauty products in one month than you used to spend on those items in a year


• when you can tell at a glance if someone has a boob job


• you hear a good song on the radio and automatically start thinking of how you can work it on stage.


• you think of songs you like in terms of whether it will be a good early/late song or a good 'crowd' song.


• when going out clubbing with friends, you are the only one who doesn't complain about the cover charge and drink prices - they're cheaper than what you're used to.


• when a quite night at home sounds better than going out


• you cheerfully browse through Frederick's of Hollywood and Victoria's Secret catalogs in public


• you feel your waitress' pain


• You can try on an outfit in a fitting room in 20 seconds or less, without taking off your shoes


• You have bruises on your knees


• you have an extensive corporate clientelle base that would make your bank manager jealous.


• you have to fight the urge to give your boyfriend a lapdance in the VIP booth of a NIGHTCLUB when a sexy song comes on


• Your idea of "Buisness Attire" is most of the Victoria's Secret catalog, your old highschool cheerleader uniform, and a Catholic School girl uniform.


• Can't remember your real name anymore when it comes to filling out paper work.


• When you can walk all night in 7 inch platforms, but when youre walking up the steps to your house in adidas sandals, you bust your ass


• you can run up and down 2 flights of stairs in six inch stilettos at full speed while applying lipgloss.


• you can turn down the most stupid, childish pickup line and still make the guy smile and beg for more.


• you have never spun a record in your life but you are the neighborhood music expert.


• when you can be perfectly ready to go out in 15 minutes or less.


• When you can repair anything with concealer, a garter, three rubber bands and a large safety pin.


• When you walk past the children's school uniform section and think, "Work clothes!"


• When three inch heels make you feel short.


• When you have to be really careful what name you call your friends in front of their children.
  "Mommy, why did she call you Candy?"
  "Oh, that's just my silly nickname, sweetie!"


• when you're on a first name basis with the entire 3rd shift crew of Waffle House, IHOP, and Denny's.


• you consider platform shoes and an ID as standard items to bring to a job interview.


• you wake up in the morning, hop in the shower, go to shave your legs and realize you still have your garter on from the night before.


• you realize that you'll NEVER had a problem coming up with a costume for Halloween. (In fact you probably have at least one outfit for every holiday!)


• you commonly get splinters on parts of your body that would make others say, "How the hell did you get one there?"


• You have to make up an excuse where you work when your parents come over and see your work bag.


• Your male friends can't wait to meet your co-workers.


• You're out dancing at a normal bar or club and there are moments when you feel lost without a pole.


• you know ALL the words to Cherry Pie


• You drop something on the floor, and when you squat down to pick it up, your butt comes back up first, and then your straight back as you flip your hair back when you reach standing again.


• You experience that longer-than-normal eye contact with someone on the street that you know you've seen at the club


• you go jewelry shopping at Claire's


• tanning/nails/ped is high priority


• You have 3 cans of FDS that are all almost empty.


• Your 18 yro brothers friends seem to always be at your moms house in large numbers when you're home to visit


• You call everyone baby, baby doll, honey, sweetie, darling and dont even think twice about it


• You plan vacations around clubs in the area


• names in your address book, msn, phone have 2 names


• You spend more time in a salon in a month then the avg woman spends in a year. And you think nothing of it


• You know all conventions, at home football ..basketball games schedules without attending any


• You have walked around naked ..changed clothes ... talked to someone naked without going " oh shit thats my room mates bf " and she thinks nothing of it because shes' a dancer too


• your best lingerie is worn at work


• undressing involves taking off your thong/shorts/pants/even dresses, flinging them from the tip of your foot up into the air and catching them in your hand in places like department store dressing rooms and your own bathroom before you shower


• When you have to coach your kid about6 what is and is not appropriate to say in front of Grandma, at church, etc.


• the first thing you always do is plug in your straightening iron


• On laundry day, your laundry hamper emanates waves of cigarette smell, cheap perfume, and self-tanner


• You can see more clearly in the dark club filled with blacklights than you can in the daylight


• Your sister in law asks if you know of any DJs who do weddings and you can think of 5 off the top of your head


• When you are out in public and you hear the perfect song for a stage set and you have to fight the urge to start dancing


• when a tube top doubles as a skirt


• You have never owned a recording of, nor listened to a radio station that plays the song, "My Hump." However, you know all the lyrics by heart


• your message machine on your cell is an ambiguous, "hey... it's me... leave a message!" because you can't let your customers know your real name, and you can't let your family members/other not-in-the-know real life acquaintances know your stage name


• you've described a girl to your mother, along with numerous details about her, but your mother is deeply confused because you've referred to her as both "Brittni" and "Lauren"


• your grocery cart consists of protein bars, energy drinks, lipgloss and baby wipes


• When all of your purchases revolve around what you can use for the club and what you can right off on your taxes


• when you go shopping for regular clothes and see something then automatically think "this is cute for work"

Hope ya'll enjoy these!

After the last post, which wasn't necessarily a bad or good thing, I thought I'd post something to lighten the mood:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, tha's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplacable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes!
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish ad he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Damn I hate not being able to do all the stuff I have planned! I'm sitting here with my legs propped up because my knee's not totally back to normal yet. Already took off Monday, so I figured Tuesday that it would be okay to work. Came home Tuesday night all sore and couldn't seem to get to sleep, even after taking a couple of Tylenol PMs. Work up this morning all groggy and tried to get up, but once I started moving, my knee started throbbing so I've been in bed most of the day, dozing on and off, hoping it'll be marginally better by tomorrow. I mean, I understand not wanting to overexert too soon, but dammit, I also feel this pull to go to work so we can pay the bills, have food, etc. It's frustrating knowing that the right thing to do is sit still and do nothing. I'm so used to moving around doing stuff that this is just driving me nuts, but my sensible side says I need this time off or I'll make it worse.
But, to make things seem better, here's an old Garfield comic I found rather amusing:

I don't know WHAT karma god I apparently upset on Monday, but for about 24 hours, my work day(s) SUCKED. Now, I don't normally complain about work...mainly because there's not much to complain about...the girls are nice, we tend to get along, everything works. But Tuesday and the first part of Wednesday, either my game was off or SOMETHING...I dunno. Anyways, Tuesday, we started the day with like 8 girls, plus it was raining, so I figured I'd just wait my turn- but every time something good came up, I was up in rotation to go on stage next! I did manage to get a couple dances, so I figured I'd just stay late and make it later- then the transformer blew. We lost power for almost an hour, so I called my ride to come pick me up, figuring I'd just try again Wednesday, cus I'm used to the power company taking 2-3 hours to get these things fixed....but, not FIVE minutes before my ride gets there- the power comes back on. God, it was sooo not my day, so I just figured I'd come in yesterday, and it would all be better. I mean, we started Wednesday off with just three girls...then we had three more come in around three pm...so we've got 5 other girls there besides me- and they all got dances. I didn't start making money until 7 pm! So yeah, I'm a little stressed out over that, but I know it can get better...I just needed to get it out.
But, to put it in perspective of how annoying some jobs can be, here's Sunday's Pearls Before Swine from Comics.com. Enjoy!

While I'm sitting here, recovering from a late night out for Halloween, here's some funny cartoons...my friend Mark sent me the first one, and the rest are from KSEXradio.com.
( funny adult gigs below )
Hope you like them as much as I did! And, not to worry, more horny fun to cum! I'm working on the last part of my Harry Potter erotica series, and have three more HP erotica ideas in the works. :D

Tell me none of you haven't thought to do this from time to time!

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.

11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***

10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.

9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.

8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.

7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!

6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.

5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.

4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click "Reply to all."

3. Thou shall not call thyself "Richard P. Smith" online when "Chesty LaRue" sounds so much better.

2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife - and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.

Sorry, found this list on this site, and thought it was hysterical and had to reprint it...you kinda have to read it in order tho:

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop

1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"

2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.

3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.

4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......

5. Ask if you can see his gun.

6. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.

7. Touch him.

8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.

9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.

10. Refer to him by his first name.

11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.

12. When he says no, cry.

13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.

14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.

15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.

16. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.

17. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"

18. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.

19. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."

20. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.

21. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

22. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"

23. Trip and fall into him.

24. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.

25. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.

26. Chew on the pen, nervously.

27. Clean your ear with the pen.

28. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.

29. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....

30. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.

31. Act like you are retarded.

32. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

33. Mumble to yourself.

34. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?

35. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight.......

36. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.

37. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!

38. Ask if he watches Cops.

39. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.

40. Giggle if he did.

41. Talk to your hand.

42. Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.

43. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.

44. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.

45. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.

46. Try to sell him your car.

47. Ask if you can buy his car.

48. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.

49. Play with the siren.

50. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.

51. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner

52. Ask if he ever had pu-tang er.

53. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.

54. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.

55. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.

56. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.

57. Turn your head and whistle.

58. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.

59. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.

60. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.

61. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"

62. Tell him you like men in uniform.

63. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party

Found this on StripperWeb.com and HAD to repost it!

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.

2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.

3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Example: "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"

4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something.

5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come.

6. Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.

7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your ex's and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.

8. You can also call this same ex and let them know, that you know, that they still love you. Then explain that you understand because you would still love you too!

9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.

10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.

11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.

12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".

13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.

14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.

15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing.

16. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But if it feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone.

17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.

18. When drunk dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the A.M. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when you're drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?"

19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when you're far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.

20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers

-E

Was looking around and found some adult emoticons for Yahoo Messenger. Here's a couple of links: http://www.geocities.com/basefaces/ and http://smiley.smileycentral.com. I also found this very helpful blog entry here. Hope this incurs lots of new naughty convos, and anyone who wants to chat with me on Yahoo, my id is christywildxxx

It all started out great cuz I had an okay day at work Friday, but the best part about it is that I got to have Angela come down for a couple days, so I decided to take her by Pleasure Palace...see what kind of fun we could get up to...or would that be trouble? (You never know with the two of us!) So, we were supposed to be introducing this couple visiting from Colorado, and they were very nice. Ran into Dave and Jan, a couple we knew and we all started chatting and then this other nice couple, Steve and Sarah came up and by this point, I knew I wanted to get some, so we all went and found a room. It ended up being four girls and three guys, so all four girls laid out in a row and the guys traded off, eating one girl for a while then going off to the next, and so on and so on until we'd all had at least one orgasm, and then the real fun began with the cocks and pussies and mouths...lots of fun, and I think we kept going til about 3. I dunno...I was having too much fun to really care what time it was!

So, came back home with Angela and crashed, but woke up around 12 the next day cuz we were all going to go to the final weekend of the Renissance Festival with our friends Mark and Rose. Well, we took our time getting ready and didn't end up getting to the Fair til 3, but it was worth it, cuz we were just in time for the Human Combat Chess Match...that's a lot of fun to watch. Went around to some of the other booths, and ended up meeting Steve and Sarah, cuz Rich had called and asked if they wanted to join us. We caught Manolete's show and that ended just in time for the last Tortuga Twins show of the day which, unlike the rest of the day, is their Beer Show and thus rated R, and that R definitely stands for "ribald"! I'd already seen this kind of show from them last year, so I prepared by moving to the outside of the bench and making sure to remove my bra. That definitely paid off, cuz I flashed my tits and all three of them came down to rub their faces in it. I know that doesn't sound like much, but you had to have been there...it's part scripted, part ad lib, and all hysterically funny!

So, Steve and Sarah came back with us, while Rich took Angela back home :( We all took well anticipated showers (if you've ever been to a Ren Fair, you know what I'm talking about!) and then decided to do dinner and a movie. Lucky Number Slevin was pretty good...I think we all liked it. Then we all came back home for a round two of fucking, sucking and fun!

Here's something from last Saturday's Smiles section:

The Funniest Matrimonial Personal Ads

Fisherman
Wife wanted. Must be able to dig, clean, cook worms, and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of motor boat.

Salesman
Once-in-a-lifetime offer to get yourself the original, genuine article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelors around is looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he chooses! Has own house, car, and successful career.

Economist
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements are high. However, the elasticity of my demands should not bear too heavy a burden upon the national interest.

Businessman
Wife wanted for company.

Mathematician
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help further my family unit.

Farmer
Wanted: a wife from good stock. Required for breeding.

Lawyer
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of wife after marriage. The person for whom I'm looking should be strictly- a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl, with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the servie and jurisdiction of My Lord, i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence, as all liabilites are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind whatsoever.

Pilot
Wife required to complete my life. Please, only level-headed applicants. She must not have her head in the clouds, but have her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the long haul. And she absolutely must be aerodynamically sound!!

Banker
Wanted: Wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.

Accountant
Required: A girl, 5 feet 8 inches. She must be adverse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her family.

Contractor
Wanted: a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.

Doctor
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However, if you feel the need for a second opinoin, then it's fine by me.

Army Commando
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who dares wins. Campflauge provided.

Astronaut
I'm searching for a wife to fill the space in my life. Someone to share my universe. Must have looks that are out of this world.

Out of the mouths of babes........

What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." Rebecca- age 8

When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." Chrissy -age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" Emily - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an imagination) Karen - age 7

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry"
When there is nothing left but love, that is when you find out that love is all you need.

Okay, had Rich's birthday party last night and invited a bunch of our friends over to hang out and have fun. Had already had a pretty good day at work, so I was all stoked about having a good time, plus I found a replacement gift for the one that Rich had already gotten for himself, the lil shit. lol Helped out with the garage sale today; tried selling some of my books that I had, but no takers. I actually spent most of the day going through some old Playboys that my friend had wanted to sell. (Not before I have a chance to go through 'em first!) Anyways, went out to the bowling alley tonight with Lana and Tony, but didn't feel like bowling, so I just played the video games there, and I had thus one annoyingly persistant asshole whose encounter could be summed up in the fact he wanted to offer to drive me to his apartment and back to my house if I would go get high with him at his apartment. WTF?!? lol Whatever..still funny that this drunk guy tried to pick a chick up at a bowling alley...have heard of weirder things.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female.. Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Tryi ng not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND:


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said ...... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said ..... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!


He said ...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said ......Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said ...... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said ...... I would but you're never there.


He said ...... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said ...... They don't have time


He said ...... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said ...... We don't know; it has never happened.


He said ...... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?

She said ...... They already have boyfriends.


She said ...... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said ...... A widow.


He said ...... Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said ...... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


Thought ya'll might find this funny...got it from my JD Robb yahoo group subscription.

Stolen from unfloopy

Go to google, fill out the questions below, and put the answer to the question into the image search. Post the first image that is able to be posted under the question.

( My visual answers )